she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
You are an asshole
haha sleeping beauty awakes.
Where did you find this costume?
i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
I just farted a soft, gentle fart and it made me think of the eye puff glaucoma test at the eye dr. I hope that's not fart air they use for those. And yes, I'm texting you from the toilet and yes again, I'm high.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
Sex with you deserves a trophy and a day of remembrance in honor of it.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
Randomize
