I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
i have it on good authority that she is not as good at giving head as she claims she is
Just so we both are on the same page, I have no solid plans as to where I'll be sleeping tonight.
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
Hey can we break in your window? We need to borrow the dog.
If you see my mugshot on the news tomorrow, its not what you think
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
You said that when your ex gave you a blowjob her mouth was like velvet
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
So this was during drunk golfing. She started wacking me off on the ninth hole and an old couple rolls up next to us. And Says "hey gu- oh my golly" and while my penis is in her hand I'm like "sorry you guys can play through"
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
Randomize
