dude, the summer is killing me. i just woke up cause my balls were stuck to HER leg!
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
It makes no sense at first, you go with it, it's fun and entertaining and then a disaster
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
It's dollar drink night and I have my honors society initiation tomorrow. Somehow I think this will not end well.
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
Randomize
