she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
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I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
I don't care if he got kidnapped by a cult one time he is a dick
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
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