Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Drunk. Just jacked off for the third time in an hour. I love not being Catholic anymore.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
Pushiiing vjews 4 ma daz caik
Lyk hr kuds 4
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
Told a guy at the bar I was hurricane evacuees with no place to stay. Just woke up at his place. God bless Florence
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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