some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
i wrote her a fucking poem. i better get laid for that
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
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He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
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Why are there jello shots in the kitchen drawer?
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
It was 6am and he went immediately for the 69. WTF?? 6am is WAY to early for acrobatics.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
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