You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Well, I just did coke with a drag queen in a bathroom so that's the direction this night is taking
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
He's completely obsessed with his ex but gives phenomenal head. So overall, yeah, good first date.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
