I gave him a handjob while watching the presidential address. Needless to say, it was weird.
nutella sex= disaster
I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
Girl you're stalking so hard you're gonna know both their social security numbers soon
I'm very disappointed that your kitten almost ate my weed cake...
It took him 15 minutes to put the condom on.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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