we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
well when i got there she was attempting to stick the cat in her mouth.. so maybe you should go check on her
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Zombie crawl summary: 5 of 6 friends successfully laid. friend 6 too drunk to care and making out with a whale (not a costume)
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
It will be the shitshow of all shitshows.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
