Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
After he came all he could say was how great the lighting fixtures where in my apartment.
He did leave his bud tall boy and 2 choco tacos, so not a total loss.
When that wave blew your top off I heard someone yell "SPANK BANK"
As a former fat girl, that's probably the best compliment I've ever received ever!
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
Randomize
