I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Someone explain why I'm twerking in my bathroom right now before a charity run
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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