Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
Facials are how you say "I love you" in porn star.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
He kept referring to his penis a his "love gun"
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
I puked so hard this morning that I peed my pants. I'm a gem.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
