just woke up with an anonymous loaf of bred in my bed and a piece in my mouth. this says alot about my life.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Randomize
