there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
She showed up to the party with a live octopus and a 30 pack that was already half gone
I'm silent, like a masturbating ninja.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Just turned your apartment into a democracy and were voting on who takes shots next
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I shamewalked barefoot this morning and the Dos Equis delivery guy judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
