i had a dream the other night i was titty fucking you while you were asleep, then you woke up and didn't care.
Turns out drinking large amounts of Gentleman Jack does NOT turn you into a Gentleman -- quite the opposite actually.
Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.
I'm full of awesome ideas
Yesss you are. Im full of confusion. I keep finding peanut butter on my legs...
Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
It's a weird kind of sexy when a guy has a bunkbed with his roommate
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