I like the name aiden. he likes stella. I told him they're coming out of my vagina, and I will name them what I damn well please. Stella goes.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
He stopped me in the middle of a blow job to call his grandma for her birthday.
At least he has family values.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
Randomize
