Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas
Yea. It was an issue. Great time though. Apparently I went through the coat check, put my coat on and forgot I had it so I tried to go through again and just didn't understand why thy weren't helping me. Dave coat checked his pants.
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Um that's okay I got up on the table at IHOP and terrorized the entire restaurant for a phone charger after I stole the whip cream from the kitchen and started eating it out the can
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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