she uses ice cubes and hums anything I want. Last night was Welcome to the jungle. it wasnt lost on me shes a puma. no shame in that 30+ game.
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
Sorry my friend with benefits tried to run you over with his car
we're gonna read the declaration of independence and do a shot for every word he doesn't understand.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
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