im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight
it's my favorite when the couple downstairs are having sex so loud that i feel like I'm part of a threesome
second-hand sex is fun, isn't it?
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
This is like the best thing that's ever happened to us. We're getting paid to sit around get high and eat. There is a Jesus
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Randomize
