fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
It's almost like sex with her has gotten boring... like it's still good, but the creativity is lacking... it's times like these that i wish she still wanted me to gag her
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Last I saw him was around 10 this morning. He was passed out on the porch with his head under the barbeque cover and there were cups of orange juice around him as well as loose tobacco spread everywhere. Good luck getting a hold of him.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
I love Texas men! TSA agent found my vibrator, nodded approvingly, and said, “You have a nice night, ma’am” with a cowboy accent. I almost made out with him on the spot
Randomize
