Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
so either half this theatre is as stoned as me, or day daybreakers is hilarious
My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?
My dinner last night was 3000 calories of beer. Slept kneeling on the floor w/ my head on a couch
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Whatever she smells like compost and feathers.
I believe they call that patchouli.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
