the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I'm almost positive that you shat in a birdhouse
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
He fucked me so hard my hair extensions fell out
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
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