Just cropdusted the office
then he tried to convert me to islam
Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.
Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.
We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?
You got a blow job by a girl whose nickname is "the terrible tooth"?! You are a brave man.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
My night has consisted of googling cat penises and creating a Tinder profile.
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
Randomize
