She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Snaps to my Ella Fitzgerald station for such a jazzy walk of shame
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
So was it everything you dreamed it would be
I puked.
Twice.
So is that a yes?
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
