I feel like abortions should bother me more
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Fuck you. You were a total asshole last night.
We will get to that, but can anybody tell me whose fucking socks I am wearing?!
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
