just prayed to lady gaga in hopes it will help me pass my fashion merchandising final...what is my life?
I'll tell you what, we couldn't have asked for better binge-drinking weather.
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
A part of me realizes this is a bad time to text. But I override it with my awesomeness
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Is it bad juju to glue mini budda to the bottom of a shot glass
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
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