Kicked off drink for Jesus month by puking in my mouth while talking to my priest...real cool
i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Someone downtown drunkenly stole the antenna off of her car... while she was driving.
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Randomize
