It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Brandon just showed up at my place with a florida state cheerleader he met in vegas durin spring break. His life is a fucking movie
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Apparently we don't communicate very well unless we're drunk and/or naked
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize
