I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
bad sex. bad bad bad. it was like trying to pick up an overcooked noodle with an empty pringles can. why do these guys always seem to find me?
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
If I die bedazzle my coffin please.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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