got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
It was like a Thanksgiving meal, which you spend 8 hours cooking, and the family wolfs down in 20 minutes. All that flirting and build-up for like 90 seconds of pumping and he was gone in a flash, never to be heard from again.
So on a scale from 1-10 how gross is it that I used mortuary makeup on my own face?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Randomize
