Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
He's like the unplanned child of drunkenness
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I have a kicked-out-of-multiple-bars level hangover today
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
