I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
i'm having flashbacks of crying and telling you i was made out of egg salad.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
After a few mimosas, my mom started sharing her plans to move out of the house and into a retirement village so she can be the youngest one there and find herself a "nice old sugar daddy." Needless to say, break has not started off well...
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
GDI YOU HAVE THE GOD OF FUCKING THUNDER'S NUDES AND YOU DIDN'T SHARE
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
