Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
its the 14th virginity that counts the most anayways
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
