I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
CSI Miami is on and the guy is trying to save this woman who got shot. By stripping off his shirt & belt. THE WOMAN NEEDS YOUR PANTS OFF TOO
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
Can you pay somone's bail with a credit card or just cash? I feel like you would know this.
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