I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
What started out as Cougar hunting turned into whaling
I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I don’t know what's weirder; the fact that I weigh more with an erection..or the fact that I actually weighed myself with an erection...
Get your penis over here NOW. emergency
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Called Apple, my penis pics are safe.
if you come you're not allowed to wear pants. if you arrive wearing pants you won't be wearing them long.
One sec I was having the time of my life, the next I was shitting water
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