I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
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After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I. recorded a message of me yelling at myself to "get up out of that bed" and set it an alarm. REALLY loud
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
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Well, I guess that's how life goes for my dad. One minute you're walking with your cooler on the afterglow of a Lynyrd Skynyrd concert, the next you find your grown son choking out a drunk redneck against your pickup truck.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
I lost the right to judge tonight
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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