that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I GOT MY PERIOD!
damn. i had names picked out.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
Randomize
