I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I'm sorry but when I'm riding in the trunk on the way to mcdonalds at 6 am I just don't want to listen to reba macintire
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
omg he is no good in bed, bless his little heart and his big dick
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
FUCK. EVERYONE MAKE MY CONTACT NAME DADDY ISSUES
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize
