Uggggg i want to leave and get bombed over baghdad
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
he just found out his girl is having a boy. he's probably googling "Ed Hardy diapers" as we speak.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?
not a thing
walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom
how can i incorporate a boy scout uniform into what i do tonight?
Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
