awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
(917) i just came from walking.
haha you just came from walking?
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
"I'm in the bathroom. Only place I can sit and relax without that girl trying to give me a lap dance."
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
So technically I made out with my second cousin this weekend... But it's by marriage and I'm adopted, so it's ok.
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Good thing he's hot and my vagina likes him or I'd be at Dennys right now.
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