just woke up. wallet empty. bottle empty. tattoo in pen on my arm. smell like bad sex. woke up alone. and wall-e is playing on my computer. need answers.
The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone
he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.
you don't know what its like to have your bartender tell you that you owe him beer money infront of your mother at 3pm on a tuesday
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
no. i discovered the *exact* amount of drugs i need to do to understand calculus.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
