I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...
I just quit my job so I could get dick this weekend. I'm pretty sure my need for dick is much more important than the customers' needs.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
it was like 6 shots in and he was automatically my type
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