seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
You destroyed the landscape if my vagina FOREVER.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Not sure if I should ask if I can have my underwear back or just avoid that all together.
I screenshoted his dick pic the other day because it literally looked like a brontosaurus. Like that really tall dinosaur that eats grass. Like I wanna draw a face on it.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
Call me a snob but I'm not banging chicks with more fingers than teeth.
Randomize
