I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind
Well it worked
Not the point
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Dear slutty diary: I lied about feeling guilty of being a homewrecker in order to have more sex. it worked.
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
well it was great until i saw his anime body pillow
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
Randomize
