he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
the couple across the street's about to bang. go get the popcorn and come join us.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
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We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
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I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
My vagina just clenched in fear
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
If I'm not there when the plane leaves, I didn't make it through security. See you at home! Vegas bitches!!!
OH GOD IT TASTES LIKE IT SMELLS
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