Just caught my bro jerking off to a lane Bryant catalog
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I want my tombstone to read "making poor life decisions since 1993"
I associate the Game of Thrones theme song with his dick now.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
