YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.
just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.
Just took a piss in some random bushes in a traffic jam and had to sprint back to the car. I'm a boss.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too
This was before halftime
I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
I just wanna fuck your brother. Sorry if thats a crime.
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
