I'm drinking till I'm someone else's problem
we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
You know you have a great job when you need a DD home from work at 6pm.
It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
Every concussion has its silver lining
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Randomize
