i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I told my coworker that I'm going to a dinner party and was asked to bring wine and pregnancy tests and he was like.. I miss being 20
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
Randomize
