so... i had sex tonight
with a midget
nicccce tits for a little person
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
When we made out her lip\nose ring fell out in my mouth. Awkward?
I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I had to write an apology letter to my roomate for hotboxing in our bathroom. What a bitch.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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