I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
She just kept feeding people pretzels and sayying "You're such a good goldfish."
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
