hey everyone... booty call? my house tonight. bring friends to fuck my friends.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
And some old guy told me Jesus loves me and I laughed super hard and told him sinning is fun. Hahaha
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Did you just reference Ludacris during my possible pregnancy scare of 2012?!
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I just sent a bad sext to my sister. There's not even a way to damage control this, is there?
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
Remember when you brought a guy home from the bar... to our parents house.... on thanksgiving eve?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
