I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
officially hit rock bottom.. been yelling through the vent in my room to my little brother trying to convince him to get me water for the past two hours. i fear feeling the full effect of my hangover if i stand.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
It's a little sad/awesome that I scored coke within 60 seconds of walking in the bar.
The student becomes the teacher.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I woke up with a treasure map drawn on my ass. Whattt.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
