weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
You meet the best people naked in a hot tub at 2 am.
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We were in bed, and he looked at me and asked if I'd be weirded out if he took his leg off. BEST.SEX.EVER.
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
I swear we were drugged last night
We had a 130$ tab bitch. We drugged ourselves.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
