In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
How do you make a Facebook status saying how much you fucking hate yourself without being aggressive enough for people to worry about your safety
Cuz that's where I'm at
Act your age.
I am. I'm acting like a drunk 20 year old.
Randomize
