You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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