A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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