Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
you know when i was in school the girls definitely did not have the tits the 15 year olds have now. so unfair.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
I want to sit on top of her nipple mountains and reenact the Ricola commercial.
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Randomize
